The skies - they wept bitterly for me today, because all the tears in me have been cried.

That's the thing about love - it has absolutely nothing to do with self. Nothing.

I have discovered

a whole new world

of people –

young, beautiful,

naive and vulnerable,

the way we were

so long ago –

I love them

for surviving

this violent peace –

In this farewell, There is no blood
There is no alibi
Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousands lies
So let mercy come and wash away
What I've Done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
and let go of what I've done
Put to rest, What you thought of me
Well, I clean this slate
With the hands, Of uncertainty
So let mercy come, And Wash away
What I've Done
I'll face myself
To cross what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done
For what I've done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done
What I've Done
Forgetting what I've done

But listen carefully to the sound Of your loneliness Like a heartbeat, drives you mad In the stillness of remembering What you had, And what you lost

Love's a hard decision to risk impending choke,
But love will keep you wishing and my heart will keep me broke.
...Rivers flow into the oceans, but oceans never fill,
I want to let you know me but know I never will...

And then the reality of it all struck me.
Like a myriad of lightning bolts thrust like daggers into my heart and mind;
Shattering my innocent, ignorant spirit into shards.
Then the skies tore open and wept,
Wept with, for and within me;
Bitter, bitter, piercing tears,
Whilst the wind howled and screamed
Its most mournful song,
Until the waters rose so high,
I was swept away helpless, hopeless
With the sheer sorrow of it all.

...Insomniac...

Isn't it funny how active military members who have wittnessed first hand what is actually going on in Iraq and Afganistan are donating their money to the one candidate who has been advocating for many years an immediate withdrawal from the war? So they are willing to potentially sacrifice their jobs so that the war can be stopped! Of all people, those in the military are the ones who have truly seen and been a part of what is  happening in this war, and they want it stopped. Now that is truly saying something.

I feel like a child who cannot wait for Christmas day, though it is still January. Yet somehow instinctively, she knows that this year, Christmas will not be. How foolish to believe it, to hope and wait for what will never come.

Every girl longs for their dad to be proud of them. For their dad to affirm, accept and appreciate them for every achievement great and small, or even just for who they are. They want to be accepted without being compared with any other, because they have strived to be perfect in their dad's eyes. In their dad's eyes they should be no one smarter, no one as beautiful and no one as perfect as his own precious daughter.  Heaven forbid when there is no such thing as this fatherly love and pride in the most crucial of times.

Oh Yes I Did.

Every year of my schooling life, I have wondered and dreamed of when we all finish year 12, what we will do, where we will live, what job we will get, etc. I knew that this time would be crazy, that my safe environment of Mueller will be gone in an instant and that everything would be turned upside down and really test my faith and what I stand for. But this never really bothered me too much, because I knew that no matter what happened, I would always have my Church and friends and family there.  I knew that school was temporary and that friendships could turn sour anytime, but my Church was the one place that was constant and where I felt I would always belong. Well I have well and truly learnt my lesson that nothing is guaranteed. Nothing and no-one EXCEPT Jesus Christ and the grace he has given to us.  All that people had spent countless hours and struggles trying to build up for over twenty years took just one person to tear down in 2.  So we fought for the truth, for what is right, for what the Bible says is right, but now we are at the point where it is pretty much impossible to fight anymore, where technicalities, politics and books written by men (and so are automatically flawed) take precedence over what the Bible says.  But after all the countless tears and stress since February, Monday night pretty much settled that it is time to move on with my life, to find somewhere else to worship and serve. It still sucks that there is such injustice, but through all this I have come to really know that God is the only one I can count on, He is still there no matter what happens, and He is capable to deal with this and will have the last word. Every single other Church I have been to in the last year seems to be confirming to me bit by bit that leaving is the best thing; every other Church has shown to me true Christian love, coming from the top and filtering down. One of the first times I went to North Pine Baptist, the place was stacked full of people, and yet at the end of the service, the Pastor actually sought us out and welcomed us, introduced me to people my age, and just showed a genuine love and care, and it was such a refreshing change.  I now feel strangely at peace about it, even though I am still fuming and know that it will still hurt because I’ve been there over 14years and my brothers and sisters that I love so much is there, but I know that God will help me to move forward, J Isn’t Jesus just the best? I’m feeling so in love right now, His peace is the best feeling ever.  J

NAOMI AND DANIEL ARE ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =D

I am the third most happiest person alive right now :D  ...possibly even more excited than Nomes and Dan themselves! :P Now I have a real brother :) ..and a wedding to plan... oh the ecstaticfullness!!! :D

Gumby You're the Best

Gumby is more loyal than any dog, he's been sleeping on my bed with me all week keeping me company, its like he knows I'm sick.  Usually all he wants to do is play outside all day, but this week he's been my friend all day long and won't leave my side :)  You're the best gumby!

Sick as a dead dog. I feel like a smashed pumpkin run over by a mack truck :'(  However, I am considering becoming sick more often, yesterday my dearest mother bought me formal shoes and a little jacket for tonight  - she must have felt really sorry for me :P  Hopefully I shall be back at school tommorrow for Emily's birthday!

Change Your Life Or Change Your Name

I made a decision last night. I am going to do something. I don't know exactly what yet, however small or large an impact it will have, but I've asked God to put me in the right place, and am confident that he will. Whatever it takes. 
We were watching the movie Amazing Grace, and I was so inspired, it kinda put things into perspective. Wilberforce spent fifteen years of having a deeply troubled soul because the lives of undeserving people were being sickeningly abused, murdered and exploited. Fifteen years of striving to his utmost, of utter selflessness and constant heartache trying to change things.


There is nothing new under the sun, things are much the same today. Hundreds of thousands of innocent lives are being brutally murdered and exploited for no reason except for the poor to get poorer and the rich to get richer and have more power... as if they don't have enough already. The cause is so obviously humanitarian, and it really upsets me that people don't care or even listen, just treat you like a crackpot or get mad because your different opinion actually has evidence to prove it.


 It is slightly harder to convince people though, Wilberforce only had to take people to the ships to smell the smell of death and show the thousands of signatures. There are already far more signatures than he had for our cause, but they have buried the bones, and silence the signatures through their stranglehold on the media - and thus the media's stranglehold on us - and the very perpetuators of the problem have such power in so many places. No one will support me, but I don't care anymore, I am doing this because I care about people's lives and am sick of absolute sickening gut wrenching wasteful death and suffering, and the perpetuators being the very ones whom the rest of the world sees as the good people doing us all a favour. They prefer to start with a controversial half-truth before telling us the full, uncontroversial, unpalatable truth - cut in half, beautifully packaged so nobody is too upset. Don't believe it, I beg you. 

Wilberforce did also spend months of soul searching and making sure his heart was in the right place, and i know i definitely need to do that as well. It's because of Gods amazing grace to us that we should fight for other people to share in the same hope that we have. ..so much injustice...

The man who trades freedom for security does not deserve nor will he ever receive either. – Benjamin Franklin

Every time. Every single time the night before I have a biology assessement due something awful happens. It is almost as though God is trying to get through to me, "Esther, peoples lives are more imporant than your stupid biol assignment, surely you can forsake a few marks in the light of eternity. People need your help, your ears, your prayers, I need you to do this for me." So biology, I shall settle with a C or even less, because there are more important things in life right now.

Is it a sin to be angry at things that are wrong, and for wanting others to see that wrong so that they can stop being hurt by it? Is there such a thing as righteous anger?

The world's on fire and it's more than I can handle

The more we take, the less we become

A fortune of one that means less for some.

.